I’ve been doing a bit of reading about Forgiveness lately. The above quote is something that really resonated with me. Particularly the part about the life lesson, that it’s not really about the person who the message came through.

I don’t walk around consciously unforgiving of people, but recognising I have health issues I am having to address, and knowing that lack of forgiveness can often be a huge contributing factor underlying health issues, I did a bit of pondering. And yes, I feel resentful towards a few people. It surely must be clogging up my system.

I wanted to share a rich conversation I had with my friend Diane Counsell, she said “The bottom line is it’s all about forgiveness. We all mess up, our parents do, their parents, and so do we, and so do our kids, and we hurt each other. What has to happen to move forward is to forgive ourselves for being human, for messing up, for letting people do stuff that wasn’t right to us, for not knowing it wasn’t right at the time, or not listening to ourselves when we did know and staying because we were scared to do anything else, or scared of the alternative.

We need to forgive ourselves for being ignorant and forgive everybody else for the same things. I don’t think anybody wakes up in the morning and thinks, “Who can I destroy this morning?”.”

I then replied.

“So how do I forgive my ex for not being there for our children, for leaving me to do it alone, how do I say that it was just being human that he wasn’t able to be there, and the immense pain that caused along the way. How do I forgive the hurt at watching my sons want so desperately to have his approval and attention and support but too scared to get hurt again and be told no, as if they are being punished?”

She replied.

“I think it’s not about “forgiving” in the sense that says, ahh… it’s alright, you were messed up. Its about personally letting go, choosing, you impacted on me in the past and I didn’t know how to deal with you so stayed when I shouldn’t and now that I’m free, you don’t belong in my life any more, you have no impact and I let you go. For me forgiveness doesn’t take away anybody’s bad behaviour. My definition of forgiveness is to let go. That means only take responsibility for my part. My part might be, I choose to bear a grudge, blame… etc. It means not giving that person any more power by their bad behaviours over my life. “

“I believe that we’re all part of the one, that’s a constant with me. When someone does something bad, I say to myself, I’m really glad they’re doing that bit and not me, that I don’t have to do it. My kids relationships with their father belongs to them, all kinds of karma possibly involved, past lives. etc. which I don’t understand and don’t have to figure out. All I have to do is work on my own relationship with my own life and choose to keep on letting go.”

So I got to thinking, other than the obvious, that I want the best for my children, why is this resentment something I can’t let go of, afterall, my children are adults now, and I’m not raising them anymore? I asked myself, as Diane suggested, what is the bit that my ex is doing so I don’t have to do it? And I got that he played “the abandoner”. I have a lot of abandonment issues in my life, so of course I must have some kind of introjected bit that is “the abandoner”. That’s why I react so strongly to any kind of abandonment. This was new food for thought, to find ways in which I am abandoning myself, so then the issue is worked on and the person I can’t forgive can be let go of.

As Marianne Williamson said, it’s not the person that is the issue, it’s the life lesson that will keep coming along to be healed.

So what is the bit that someone else is playing out in your life so that you don’t have to do it?

Not so with spiritual healers and teachers.

And there’s plenty of them out there that show no accountability for their behaviour, even if what they teach and offer is really worthwhile.

In fact I have had to have healing myself to deal with the crap I’ve endured from certain teachers. That’s the catch 22 about it. You want what they have to offer, you want the knowledge and healing, but it’s quite clear that they are self-will run riot.

So how do you know your spiritual teacher is ethical?

Something I tell all my clients when they ask me what they should get healed, or get healed next, is to go by what you feel. Drop down into your heart or your gut rather than analyse it from your head. This is also true for working out whether the person offering the healing/teaching has a moral compass and it’s pointing in the right direction.

If a teacher makes you feel awful, is arrogant and egotistical, or treats you like a child, there is no way that what they have to offer is important enough to endure their treatment. If your bullshit detector goes off, trust it, just because they have a level of credibility in the community does not mean you have to put up with dodgy treatment. And don’t let them tell you it’s your stuff. It always helps if your healer is on a path of healing themselves.

You may ask why someone would put up with bad treatment? Well the information might be what you want but you don’t realise in your open student or client state that you are being walked over, because perhaps it reminds you of what you had to put up with in your childhood, or you just don’t have strong enough self esteem to say No, or maybe you feel you’re going to miss out on the knowledge. The information is enticing.

The other thing to ask yourself too is how accessible is that person. Not so you can take them hostage with your questions and realisations, but is there a fortress around them so there’s no way you can access them outside of your session? Or do you get monosyllabic replies to your queries?

There is one teacher in my life who really brought this issue into the light for me, Mark Silver, from http://www.heartofbusiness.com His integrity, warmth and accountability really helped me to see that the end does not justify the means and helping is an act of love.

So look for a teacher/healer who embraces you on your journey, they don’t have to be perfect, but you will be able to tell that they have their ego in check.

Remembrance is about your relationship with the Divine. I’ve tried meditation before but this practice of Remembrance is way more nourishing than anything else I have tried. At first I was a bit taken back by using Arabic words, like Allah, but now I can’t do it any other way. There’s power in words, and these words have been used for thousands of years. I also like the fact my head can’t get involved in the meaning of the words, so I don’t reject their meanings and grapple whether I am worthy.

Another aspect that we learnt was the 99 Divine Names. Each name is a divine quality, and by reciting the Arabic names, we are looking to the Divine for these qualities. Qualities like compassion, mercy, love, patience etc. In essence we can’t generate these qualities ourselves, but we can receive them from the Divine.

So in taking our needs to the Divine, we open up to receive qualities that meet that need, and then face a world from a nourishing place, not one of depletion.

The trick is to stop doing doing doing to meet our needs, to sit in Remembrance and work out what our needs are. Perhaps its approval, or maybe understanding. This can be an uncomfortable place to be, we are a society that often denies we have needs but try to meet them dysfunctionally. We ask for a quality to meet that need from the Divine and receive it.

I know often my workaholic actions that cause me depletion are mostly done in fear. Fear that I won’t make ends meet, but when I stop and sit in Remembrance, and drink the Qualities of the Divine, the hamster wheel stops inside of me and I can breathe a sigh of relief and see my situation differently.

So what need are you trying to meet by “doing” instead of looking to drink from the Divine?

Have you considered how it would feel to have what it is you want? Have the amount of money you want? Have the choices you want?

So take a bit of time to really ponder that. See it in your mind. Feel it in your heart. What’s going on in your gut?What is it you want? To win lotto? One million dollars? Buy a boat. A new house? Quit your job?

What happens when you focus on that money. On that new car. On that freedom you want to just take a holiday or buy that expensive wardrobe.

Have you heard the “but’s” yet? Do you feel the resistance?

So who would take care of the kids if you got to take that 6 month holiday, what would your friends think if you ponced around in a really expensive wardrobe. Would you have to move house and all the responsibility with doing that if you decided to buy a new house. Would you be able to trust people if you won lotto? Would it be too scary to be in that boat on the water?

Then you tell yourself, well maybe if you only wanted half of what it was you were envisioning, then it wouldn’t be so hard to handle.

See how you’re putting up walls to abundance and trying to control the flow so it’s not too overwhelming?

Try this.

I want you to see what it is you want out in front of you, now put up a screen between you and what it is you want. Trust the image you get. It might be like a flyscreen door, it might be a piece of netting, it might be like a brides veil. A piece of glass. Something that allows the essence in of what it is you want, but stops the resistance to receiving it and you shutting down and walling it off.

One of our greatest needs is to feel safe, and this is still present even when we desire what we want.

Can you find a way to safely receive Abundance?

Anxiety is rampant today; persistent anxiety can quickly change into an anxiety disorder. Heartmath’s solution is about harnessing the way the brain and the heart communicate, and being able to release the patterns that the brain automatically defaults to as a way of coping, even if it’s dysfunctional.

A maladaptive pattern can form in the brain, causing you to feel familiar with things like worry and anxiety, and when you’re not anxious you feel there’s something wrong, you’re uncomfortable. This is how habits are formed.

Heartmath helps to recorrect by intervening and recalibrating the brain through easy heart-focused techniques, so a new reference pattern is formed, one the brain tries to match with outside references. This becomes the new baseline on how to be.

Overidentifying and overcaring is the most common cause of anxiety. We all know what not caring about something feels like, but overcaring saps your energy to the point that you are out of balance. Passion for something is not the same as overcaring. Overcaring is anxiousness and the situation loses its real meaning.

Caring is programmed into our DNA, but when it’s not managed properly and we overidentify, then overcaring turns into anxiety.

Close on the heels of overcaring is overattachment. You care so much that you are overly attached to the outcome, to a person, to a situation. You become obsessive.

Aside from the exercises I told you about in my last article which you can try, there are a few others you can add. These exercises will work on changing the default pattern of your brain from anxiousness to being calm and serene. You will feel resistance doing these exercises because it feels normal to go to that place of worry and overcare.

Remember it’s not the problem that drains you, it’s the significance you have attacted to it. So the idea is to start to siphon off some of that accumulated energy that has been stored.

One way to do that is to breathe love in through your heart and out through your solar plexus for about 30 seconds. Your brain may want to pull you back into worrying as it feels natural. Just keep going.

Something I found really helpful is an exercise called heart soaking. I place the issue that’s bothering me in front of my heart and soak it with love.

Once you’ve tried a few of these techniques, go back to the situation and see if it looks different. Have you been able to bring yourself back to a normal level of caring?

Fundamentally it is about the power of your heart to handle the stresses in life, and by doing so, changes your brain chemistry and in turn helps with your immune system, your emotions, and how you cope with stress.

There are biofeedback devices you can buy but I like the simplicity of these exercises. Before I would have thought they were boring and simple and wouldn’t possibly make much of a difference. Now I think differently.

Having cleared out a bulk lot of trapped emotions from my heart wall using the Emotion Code, which had helped me to even feel my heart and want to reside in that space for any length of time, I felt the power of my heart even more.

I like Greg Braden’s description of why the heart is so powerful at healing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8dKcvROnl4

Here’s 3 techniques to use, do this multiple times a day in order to change the neural pathways in your brain from one of being stressful, to one of responding automatically in a calmer state. Preferably use all these techniques together.

Heart Focus

Move your attention away from your mind chatter and what’s going on out there, and shift the focus to your heart.

Heart Breathing

Imagine you are slowly breathing in and out through your heart. Starting to slow your breathing down, counting to 6 in, and 6 out. Now forget the counting and just focus on the air going in and out of your heart. Start to slowly disengage from your stressful thoughts and just notice the breathing through your heart.

Heart Feeling

Intentionally generate sincere positive emotions of care, appreciation, gratitude and love. Make sure you feel it, not just think it. Send this feeling out to yourself and to others. Perhaps family members, or your pets. Make it so I’ts easy to send out, meaning, don’t think of people you struggle to love.

These feelings go up to your amygdala and then affect your frontal brain overriding the negative emotions that cause stress.

The more you do this throughout the day the easier it will get, your brain will respond faster and it will become automatic.

Leave a comment and let me know how you get on.

PRACTICE

It may sound really boring and simple but so many people want to be psychics, they don’t want to do the work to be a working psychic. If it means that you offer free readings to strangers, do it. You have to risk that you will get it wrong. We all have to go through that stage of fearing we can’t do it. But it’s a process and you have to get through this stage. I found practising on other people is way more rewarding as far as trust goes in the long run than just reading for yourself. So step out of your comfort zone and read for others. You don’t have to do readings in person, you can do them on skype, on the internet in email. Play around with what feels right.

TRUST

Easy to say, harder to do. You have to trust what you get. It may seem that nothing comes through for you, but I bet there was. It may have been as quick as a flash. An image, a feeling, just a knowing about that person, a sound, words in your ear. A lot of people want to see only visuals and for it to be clear and easy to understand. But trust the impressions you get. It may be that the person you are reading for doesn’t understand what you are saying, or can’t validate it. Don’t be put off by that. People often remember things after the reading. I have done readings where nothing came through and I realised that the “nothing” was really important to talk about. The message was about “nothing”. Don’t be scared of being wrong. You are learning, by practising and trusting you will start to see how you get your messages. I ask for people’s birthdates as it gives me something to tune into. You may not need that, you could use their name or the sound of their voice.

SPIRIT GUIDES

Don’t get hung up on where your messages come from. Needing to know if it’s your higher self, your spirit guides, if it’s an astral entity you’re connecting with. If you protect yourself before the reading then thing should be OK. If you think that if you ask your spirit guide, then the guide asks the other persons guide, then the guide talks to you, you will get hung up on the process, rather than just tuning into your senses and seeing what you get.

RECEIVE DON’T REACH

Ask for the information to come to you, don’t reach and strain for it. If the person isn’t in front of you that you are reading for, imagine that they are and you are receiving information so easily, you are not having to reach your energy field out to get it. That can feel draining.

BURN OUT

Don’t spend all day everyday being in some kind of spiritual mode. Open up to receive then close yourself down after. You want to stay grounded and in this world when you aren’t doing readings. Don’t do reading after reading, you will burn out if you aren’t having enough down time. Do other things to ground yourself as well in your day. Like walking or sitting outside in nature, or even housework. Get your head out of thinking about spiritual things all day.

MAKE IT UP

If you feel stuck and you’re not getting anything, just make it up. Just let the trying go, and play with it. Your psychic/intuition side is the same part of the brain as your creative side. I’ve never known anyone to be wrong by making it up. It will loosen you up and let the info flow.

CLEAR YOUR ENERGY

Do some kind of daily practice where you clear you own energy field. You may want to try a few things out and see what fits for you. I like to say a prayer before each reading and after that clears my energy. I say a prayer at the end of the day that clears out my day. And periodically I clear my home of astral entities and also sage it. Find what works for you, it may be a visualisation, it might be you like to use crystals. Or it may be that you go and see another healer for an aura cleanse.

PERSONAL GROWTH

Keep learning. Keep reading and doing courses. Learn from your own life. Learn psychology 101. Learn about relationships. Over time you may find your niche. You may notice you just seem to flow with say relationship readings or career readings. Even though you get psychic messages to give to people, often people want to chat as well and it would be helpful if you had some knowledge about “life”. Perhaps you have found a philosophy that works for you, so you can interweave that. I realise clients aren’t coming for advice or counselling but it helps your readings to flow. You are there to offer people messages but you are also a human being as well. People are drawn to you for a reason and it may be that you know something about “life” that they want to hear.

ITS NOT YOUR READING

Be mindful that when a client comes to you they aren’t wanting to hear all about your life, they want to hear about theirs. You can give examples from your life but try to see this as a one sided chat. If you feel you can’t leave yourself out of the picture then you need to find someone to listen to you. You can ask them questions but don’t go fishing for info so that it makes you feel relieved that you have something to fall back on to talk about. You want to do as much of a cold reading as you can. That’s where you don’t know anything about the person.

PATIENCE

It takes time to hone your skills. Rome wasn’t built in a day. So be patient with yourself. The calmer and more focused you are, the clearer your messages will be. So take time in your day to centre yourself in some way. Don’t go rushing into a reading after you’ve been doing something else. I always like to leave fifteen minutes before a reading to sort myself out and breathe and quieten myself. I clear my energy and say my opening prayers. When I was learning I took half an hour before a reading to do this. By doing this you also look professional.

I actually don’t offer these kinds of readings and I asked myself why, because I could do them. I realised that if someone is going to pay me to do a reading, then best they have a healing component to it, like cord cutting or a soul level relationship reading. The information for information sake can be interesting, but often not the thing you remember the most about that relationship.

Knowing this information may confirm to you what you are feeling, but you know this anyway. All too often I feel that person is just hovering above a layer of pain they don’t want to drop into. Usually anger. This would enable them to move on. Wanting to know things at a soul level may feel as if it is comforting and keep the connection for you, but it doesn’t satisfy the personality and emotions, and our human experience and needs.

Here are a few things about relationships at a soul level that might explain what you’re experiencing:

• If you are or have been in a romantic relationship with someone then yes, you have had past lives together.
• You are probably in the same soul group working out your lessons via one another. Soul groups reincarnate together.
• Depending on your lessons, you may very well be together in the next life. This is not something to hang onto, to keep your connection alive for you in this life.
• It may well be that you paid off a karmic debt by being together.
• It also may be that you are soul mates, but that doesn’t mean you are destined to be only with that person.
• You may have past life blocks and restrictions that are impacting your relationship today. These blocks may be pacts, bindings, past life entities attached and more.

So rather than wanting a reading to find out what the connection is you have, you’re better off doing something healing wise in order to clear out the toxic component of your relationship, even if you’re still together. It will free you up to have a better connection, or in the case of an ex, to move on so you don’t feel energetically pulled back into the relationship. While you are pining for an old relationship, there isn’t any room for a new relationship to enter into your life, one that you have emotional room for.

If you’re together and have a great relationship, why not do something *soulful* to express that connection you feel for your partner?